The Capture Your Grief Series- Day 11

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 Carly Marie is the genius founder of the blog, Carly Marie Project Heal where she helps others dealing with the loss of a child or loved one to find ways to heal. I’ve decided to join her Capture Your Grief series, a 31 day journey to helping you heal and tell your story.

Want to join? Head over to the Carly Marie Capture Your Grief Facebook page for more info.

Day 11- Glow In the Woods 

The beginning of my road to healing didn’t really begin until about two years ago. Yes, it actually took me 12 long years to stop pushing my feelings under the rug and pretending to be the strong woman who had been through a boat-load of crap but, was not going to let it phase her.  It was all a facade.

During those years, a lot happened.  I became deeply depressed, I isolated myself from people, I replayed the abortion many times over in my mind, and I began to fill myself with destructive self-talk.  It was a terrible existence and I felt myself slipping further into a deep hole.

The months and years immediately following the abortion were the hardest.  I cried every day for about 6 months afterwards and then quickly found ways to take my mind off of the emotional pain and turmoil I was going through (or so I thought). Everything around me began to suffer because of it–friendships, relationships, school…..everything.  But, I usually could put on a front when I was out in public, complete with a constantly smiling face and agreeable, people-pleasing attitude.

Anyway, fast forward to two years ago I was watching the OWN channel (one of my faves) and I saw an interview with Thich Nhat Hahn, a Buddhist monk, spiritual leader, author and peace activist.  On the show, Hahn talked about fear, suffering, meditation and everything in between in a way that really made me stop and think.  I’m talkin’ all kinds of train whistles, light bulbs, and sirens going off.

I finally realized that the fear, unforgiveness, and anger I was carrying around for so long had continued to fester and was affecting me in ways that I was not aware of before.   I was angry at myself, angry at “him”,and  fearful of what my future would look like.

It was such an awesome and relieving feeling to see what some of the root causes of my depression and grief were for so long.  After watching that interview with Thich, I went out and got two of his books, “Fear”, and ,”The Art of Communication”.  Both are really great books that had me jotting down notes that really came through whenever a dark day would rear its ugly head.

This was truly the start to a shift in my thinking and the beginning of true healing.  Every day is not perfect but, I feel better equipped to handle the thoughts and weak moments.

“People sacrifice the present for the future. But life is available only in the present. That is why we should walk in such a way that every step can bring us to the here and the now. “- Thich Naht Hahn